When it comes to diets I’d have to profess to being a bit of an Expert, in fact I’d even go as far as to say “I’m the Fucking Guru!” 😀 Despite this though, sadly I’m still a Pie Arse 😏 Name a diet, go on, go on, because you name it and I’ve tried it.
Here we Go:
3 Day So called ‘Hospital Diet’ that trolls the Internet. You can lose up to 10lb in 3 yes just 3 days!!! Does it work? Hell yeah, cos it’s that fucking vile you don’t eat!!!
2 eggs with peanut butter and ritz crackers for brekkie,
tuna and green beans for lunch
hot dogs and beetroot for tea! 😷😷😷😷
somebody must have thought of the worse rank foods and combined them all, then been pissing at us soft twats that actually do it!
I lost 11lb on this diet living on ritz crackers for 3 days, as it was only food I liked on it! Went to The Pizza Hut unlimited buffet on the 4th Day and put 8lb back on 😬
The Grapefruit Diet : I walked round looking Father Jack for a week, Vile.
Adios- yeah goodbye they’re shite!
The Cabbage/Veg Soup Diet: lose a stone in a week.
I lost a Stone, Me fella, all me mates, the cat! I fucking Reeked. Farting for Britain!
Them Vanilla Patches:
you are supposed to NOT crave Chocolate. I wore this for 2 weeks and put half a stone on, as I drank loads of Vanilla Coke I bleeding craved it! My Arse them things!
Slimfast : another one I gained Weight on!
Shake in the Morning ✔️ Check
shake at Lunch Time ✔️Check
Pie, Chips & Gravy with Extra Chips ( not check) I don’t think this this exactly fitted in with the 400 cals allowed for Dinner 😫
Slimming Tablets from the Doctor: now I use the term ‘Doctor’ very loosely here. If you can call Ali with a room above a Bong Shop in the Dingle a Doctor, then so be it.
Anyway this ‘Diet’ was by far my favourite, I took them for a month and lost 2 stone. I permantley shook more than a Shitting Dog with Parkinson’s, but my house was fucking Spotless! I couldn’t keep still, I’d have give that Kim & Aggie a run for their money.
Oristat tablets ( from a real doctor) : the next one and probably the worst one, are them Xenical . I lasted a week on them and they really are horrendous.
Basically they stop your body absorbing the fat in food. So when you take a shit it looks like the top of a Lasagne in the toilet pan and the oil floats to the top of the bog. 😷 Vile, Vile, Vile.
I only licked a piece of Bacon and I was shitting through the eye of needle for days!
The Next one I’m going to skirt over a bit as it left with me a real fucked up relationship with food. It’s now a recognised eating disorder called Binge Eating Disorder. ( basically Bingeing then starving, Bingeing then starving) it took me a good 2 years to get back to normal.
Its called the Cambridge Diet and it’s a very low calorie diet ( VLCD) 3 shakes/ soups a day that amounts to around 600 cals a day.
Like all these liquid ones Juice Plus, Herbalife, I lost weight quick, 3 stone in the 3 months. As soon as I ate normal though it goes back on WITH A VENGANCE.
I did meet some great people doing this diet though who will be friends for life. ❤️
The Atkins is another one I really liked at the time,
Steak for Brekkie
Steak for Lunch
Steak for Dinner
all smothered in full fat cheese, Mayonaise.
but when on me cheat day I found myself throwing half a tub of cream over me koka Noodles I knew it was time to stop. ✋🏼
I must have spent at least a grand on Exercise DVDS, Jane Fonda, Mad Lizzie, Mr Motivator. The best one was that Insanity, I really enjoyed watching the fella demonstrate the moves whilst I lied in the couch with my Curry Rice & Chips.
I’ve Joined Numerous Slimming Clubs over the years, Weight Watchers, Slimming World, Rosemary Conelley ( and had some success I may add.) But after a bit I get fed up, think I’m fucking gorgeous cos I’ve lost 2.5 stone and stop going. Yet again the old habits creep in and it piles back on and more.
The things we do to ourselves on a weigh in day. Get up, find the lightest clothes you can for them scales. ( I got some funny looks walking round The Asda in a Bikini Top and Sarong in December.)
get to class, have a wee, queue up to get weighed, leg it for another wee. ( Every bit of Piss you squeeze out counts you know.) remove all clothes, jewellery, watches, and perch on them scales till a number comes up we like, then it fucking beeps.
Susan from Netherley “Half on Luv, so what have you been doing then?”
me “I’m FUMING, I’ve been dead good all week I’ve had weetabix, and salad and fish ALL week”
Susan from Netherley “Ahhh don’t worry girl it will come off next week it’s probably just water weight”
so I walk out with a bad cob, fuming for the rest of the week
“fuck you Susan and your fucking clichés WATER WEIGHT my arse”
it will be them 17 vodkas I had on Saturday night, the pre drink bottle of Rosé Wine, and the Chicken Bazooka meal deal I had on the way home.
Follwed by Scrangover Sunday,
chicken foo yung with fried rice and a chop suey roll
washed down with 2 litres of Coke and 8 bags of wotsits.
Well I need something to soak the Ale up!
Anyway ‘whats the message’ you all may ask ( and I want these blogs to have a message 😂)
AS the Fucking Guru one thing I’ve learnt, nothing faddy works long term. As boring as it is, it’s just a case of making sensible healthy choices, drinking loads of water, everything in moderation and I can’t sit on my fat arse all day. 😭
You won’t see massive results instantly but you will gradually. Me personally I’d just like to not have to Talc me thighs in Summer.
So next time you go the chippy get a meal with Rice and share it with your bird/fella and don’t buy a Steak Kidney Pie done in the Fat for the car on the way home 😏
So as I type this with my banana, lemon water and battling the massive curve ball that is Hypothoydrism, I’m dreaming of the Fat Bastard size bar of whole nut I’m going to inhale after my weigh in tonight.
Just after that Bellend Susan tells me “you’ve put half on luv”
FUCK YOU SUSAN 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼